I’ve spent a good portion of my time on leave in my living room. It’s kind of the place me and GiGi hang out during the day since it has her swing and play mat, my pump, and, of course, the television.
I watch quite a few shows during the week and make good use of our movie channels as well. I record things that seem interesting to me and keep those queued up for the daytime so I can skip over commercials. One of the things I recorded yesterday and just finished watching is a documentary short by HBO called “God is the Bigger Elvis”. It’s about Dolores Hart who was an actress in the 1950s & 60s and who now is a benedictine nun in an abbey in Connecticut. She actually walked away from an engagement and promising film career to cloister herself and join the abbey. (She stays connected to the film world though. Entertainment Weekly did a whole spread on her last year. She’s a member of the Academy and one of the Oscar voters and attends the ceremony every year.)
This is her then and now:
I thought the documentary was OK. It was too short for my liking, I would have liked to hear from more of the sisters in the abbey about what brought them to the decision to join the sisterhood. In one of the interviews one of the nuns said they were all very sexual women….that would have been interesting to hear more about as well!
The thing that struck me the most was a statement Dolores made on what appealed to her concerning this lifestyle. She said something like cloistered life allowed her to have more of a communion with God. The nuns there observe three periods of silence a day and sing seven times a day. I certainly have no desire to become a nun or Catholic at all for that matter, but I did find myself wondering what it would be like to live such a regimented life. I wondered if there would be a great sense of peace that came from having a strict schedule like that.
I’m finding more and more that time to myself is virtually impossible, and I can only expect it to grow more scarce as my life goes on. I love my life, don’t get me wrong. I have the world’s absolute best husband and the cutest little girl and they fill my days with more joy and love than I ever thought possible.
But I also know it’s important to me to have time to myself, and I think that’s what I envy Dolores and the other nuns at the abbey.
I used to get up earlier than Matt on Saturday mornings and spend time alone for a good hour, sometimes more. I would make tea or eat a little breakfast and read or pray or play on my phone or really do anything. The whole objective was to be alone and enjoy the quiet of the morning. Sometimes he would even wake up earlier than I expected and I would tell him to go back to sleep because I wasn’t ready to share my day yet.
That….doesn’t really happen anymore.
My mom encouraged me the other day to take time to read my Bible while I’m pumping milk in the middle of the night. She told me that moms have to fight to find time to read the Word and have that alone time with God that used to be so easy to get, and I should take the opportunity of being alone to make that happen.
I do have my Kindle as a part of my little station in the living room where just about everything I could need is easily accessible.
And on my Kindle I’ve been reading the NKJV Daily Bible. The whole Bible is broken up into daily reading sections and it’s designed to help you read the whole thing in a year. Every day there is a portion of the Old and New Testaments to read, in addition to something from Psalms and Proverbs. I’ve been really enjoying the Old and New Testament portions, but not so much the Psalms and Proverbs portion. Since it’s designed to last all year the Psalms and Proverbs aren’t included in whole chapters. Instead there will be a few verses from a chapter one day and then a few more the next, so the overall context of the Psalm is compromised in my opinion. Proverbs works a little better for that format, but I still find it annoying.
The point is, I have my Kindle ready to go to help me get time for just me and God and while I have been reading it, it’s not really gleaning the results I maybe would have expected. The fault lies entirely with me, of course. Nothing is wrong with the Word. Even when I’m the only one up at 3 AM, it seems my mind is going a million different places. It’s filled with things I need to do (write thank you cards, find a day care for Genesis, figure out a cleaning plan that will work for us) and want to do (figure out an exercise plan now that I’m feeling more myself, go through all the closets and get rid of excess crap, plan what I’ll do with my friend Maggie when she comes next week, figure out how to spend more time with Matt) and then there’s the space Genesis now occupies that includes me making sure I have enough bottles clean, get enough sleep myself, etc. (Hey was that sentence long enough??)
So there I am reading my Bible, but I’m not really trying to read it with a goal to grow in my relationship with God. I’m just reading it to read it. Hence not really getting everything out of those 20 minutes that I could be getting.
I guess I’m envious of Dolores and the rest of the sisters for the time they spend focusing only on God. Or at least I felt envious at first because I so understood what she was talking about when she described how much she loved the ability to commune with God and feel that connection to Him in the lifestyle she lives. I know that connection well and love it. Hearing her talk about it, I realized how much I missed it as well. I’m thankful for the knowledge I have of spiritual things and for how I’ve been taught to pray and approach my relationship with God. I know there’s really no reason why I can’t talk with God as much as she does, except that I’m holding myself back. So my envy quickly turned to a self awareness of needing to get my priorities back in line.
My mom was right, it is hard to find the time for myself. I can only imagine it will get harder when I go back to work in the summer and then back to school as well in the fall. But I was reminded today that it’s important. Having that time to talk with God and feed my spiritual life will help make me the best possible wife, mom, sister, daughter, friend, etc. It will also help me ease some of that anxiety I feel from all the things cluttering up my mind. 🙂
It seems a new challenge awaits me and I’m up for it.
Thankfully I won’t have to cloister myself to succeed.
Notes From A Modern Day Queen 